For the open-minded, non-topical internet user...

Monday, 8 September 2014

The Best Jokes on The Internet

So I was reading some jokes today. Then I read a bit more. And after a few hours of reading, I realized I wasted a lot of my work time. So I decided to make that time worth something. I present you - The best jokes on the Internet... that I read today.

Some of them might be a bit offensive, so I'm sorry, but they are funny.

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. So he asks his son:
F: What did you do in the afternoon?
Son: Did some homework.

And the robot slapped the boy.

S: Okay! I was at a friend's house, watching some movies...
F: And what movies did you watch?
S: Toy Story.

The robot slaps the son again.

S: OKAY! We were watching porn.
F: Whaat? At your age we didn't even know about porn!

The robot slaps the father and the mother laughs.

Mom: Well, he certainly is your son

The robot slaps the mother.

She was laying naked next to me, falling asleep. A voice in my head kept saying: "You are not the first doctor who slept with one of his patients." But another voice said "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it. After a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Deirdre.

If a man states an opinion and there is no woman to hear it, is he still wrong?

I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

Q. Why should you be more afraid of a white guy in jail than a black guy?
A. You know the white guy actually committed the crime.

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

Two men were walking down the street when they saw a dog, licking itself. The first man said "I wish I could do that".
The second one replied: "You should probably pet it first".

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench, when suddenly a guy jumps out of the bushes and flashes them.

The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady couldn't reach.

To be dead or stupid is almost the same thing, because everyone around you is suffering, but you don't even realize it.

Love is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel this warm sensation.

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?

A: A brick.

A dog walks into a telegraph office, puts $1 on the counter and says:

"Woof woof woof, woof woof, woof woof woof woof"

The operator says to the dog "Its $1 for 10 words, shall I put another woof on there?"

The dog then says "But then that wouldn't make any sense!"

What's the difference between Light and Hard?

It's easier to fall asleep with a light on.

My favorite sexual position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.

During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

So I picked up this girl the other day and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor".

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.

At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions of stars."

Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"

Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Someone stole our tent."

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Q: What did the buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?

A: "Make me one with everything."