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Tuesday, 3 June 2014

How to Have a Super Sweet Body without Getting up From Your Lazy A$$

diet schemes
Just now you have the wonderful one-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get in shape and be able to hit the beach right on time. What's even better is that you can do it right from your couch, without moving a muscle. How is that possible? Scientists have made an extraordinary research which can change dieting for good. No more hunger, no more sweating, just this simple solution.

If this was possible it would be the new American dream. Heck, it would be the European dream, too. Obesity is becoming a greater problem and even though there are thousands "proven" diets, magnificent inventions that you can use even in your home, people are still too lazy to do something about it.

Everyone is so desperate to find the cure for fatness and the miraculous way for losing weight with simple steps. People have to realise it won't happen. You will continue to be fat as long as long as you stay on your bum the whole day.

Just to make my point of view more reasonable why don't we take a look at two very big diseases very common in the modern western world: bulimia and anorexia. This is what the great George Carlin has to say:

You really can't call it a disease. It's not a virus or some bacteria, it's not contagious. It's all in the head of very narcissistic person, who only think how he/she looks in other people's eyes. "But some people are doing it, because society made them". Sure... society told you to be anorexic and to puke all of your food.

There are countries which don't have clean water and food is a luxury and you throw yours up, because you just want to be slimmer without effort. That's the big problem with people suffering from bulimia and anorexia - they wanted to get slim the easy way, without much effort - simply don't eat or vomit the food. Well, it's not as easy as it sounds, because, I personally, can't stand to skip even one meal a day, imagine not eating for entire weeks. But nobody is making them.

Instead of not eating, why not start eating right and do some exercising. This might help for burning that fat. And not only that you'll be in great shape, you'll be healthy! Oh, that's right... it will take time and dedication. Something that you are not willing to spare.

Here are a few other absurd "diets" which people have been doings, just to make themselves skinnier without much effort:

The Most Absurd Diets

The hCG Diet

Human Chrionic Gonadotropin - for the curious people wondering what the abbreviation stands for. The weigh loss obsessed people have heard of this diet. Some say they've lost up to 13 kilos for a single month. That's amazing results! And you don't have to do any exercising, just eat a bit less and inject yourself with a hormone. Everybody's doing it!

Do you know where that hormone comes from? It is extracted from the urine of pregnant women. Aside from that, you have to eat not more than 500 calories per day. A simple Subway Sandwich is more than that (or around). So why do you need to inject yourself with p*ss? You are already starving and not consuming enough calories to survive, why do you need hormones? You will lose weight just because you are not eating. Plus, you'll get some disease, because your body will be weak and vulnerable. 

But you don't have to exercise!

The Vinegar Diet

Let me tell you a secret, if you consume vinegar, water and boiled eggs, you'll lose weight. That's all you have to eat. Don't believe me? Well, this is probably one of the oldest diets - almost 2 centuries old. I don't know why it is so popular and works well - is it because of the miraculous effects of vinegar or because you aren't eating anything? Hmm...

Lord Byron has discovered diets
I Will call this... diets!

Vinegar is a great way to clean your washing machine and windows, but it's very good for your body when consumed in bigger quantities. Put it on a salad, put it in your meals, but don't use it as a main food source. It's bad for your stomach, bones, teeth... But in small doses it's really tasty!


Do I really have to explain this? It's a parasite living in your body. You consume it, it goes to your intestines, it hooks to something and it's starts absorbing some of the nutritions you eat. So basically, less stuff is absorbed by your body, because the worm is eating them.

Tapeworm diet and tape worm in intestines
I'm Your good buddy the Tapeworm. Eat all you want and I'll do the weight losing!

Sounds amazing. It's an all-you-can-eat buffet, but even if you eat a lot, you'll still lose weight! Because of that cute buddy of yours, living in your intestines. Oh, joy!

There are minor side effects, like death. But at least you'll be fit and you'll look amazing in that casket. How idiotic do you have to be to consume a parasite, just to lose weight? They can grow up to 7-8 metres in your body. They can reproduce and chew your insides. The tapeworm's larva can go to your blood vessels and go to every part of your body.

But you won't have to exercise and you won't have to be on a diet! Pff... death.

Sleeping Diet

This one is a bit more logical. They don't call it beauty sleep for nothing. Plus, every doctor will tell you in order to be in shape you need more sleep.

But here's the problem - this diet doesn't require for you to sleep just more, like 12 hours instead of 8. You need to sleep for days. The logic - when you sleep you don't consume any calories, so you don't become fat. How to achieve this - pills. So you have to become a pill addict and lose your social life, because of sleeping.

Let's not start on all the negative effects you will have. Sleeping pills might kill you eventually. Your body will be messed up and weak. You won't consume your regular amounts of liquids and nutritions, so how is your organism supposed to work?

sleeping beauty diet picture
Hey, are you slim yet? 

This is the laziest method for losing weight ever.

There are more absurd diets around the web. And they will continue to make them, because people are desperate to try the newest sh*t on the market. Some phonies will sell millions of copies of their new dietary books. They'll ruin the lives of some poor souls.

It's not only the sellers fault. If you have the opportunity to make some easy money, just by using you brain and intuition, wouldn't you do it? You will probably feel guilty about scamming people, but you'll just be one of the many. The bigger problem is with people believing all the cr@p they see and read.

Phony Diet Adverts

I won't give any examples for actual diets, because I don't want to advertise these bastards. But you've seen at least one or two, so you know what I mean.


Have you seen how they promote margarine? "It tastes like butter, low fat, bla bla." Margarine is probably one of the unhealthiest foods ever. Even the Daily Mail tells you not to eat this junk. But you still see the adverts on TV, you see them in the newspapers and magazines, you see them in your emails and on Facebook. With Omega 3 Acids and with more health in it than ever before.

Do you know what margarine is? It's rubbish. It's artificial and it's made as a replacement for butter, because it used to be very expensive in the 19th century.

Burgers and Sandwiches

Many fast food restaurants have claimed they sell healthy food. Salads and low-calorie burgers are good for you. How can you make a healthy sandwich anyway? With whole-grain bread and veggies? Actually, that might be healthy, but not in big quantities.

But don't fall for these ads. If you eat French fries with a salad or a diet coke with a hamburger and a salad, you are not eating healthy.

Diarrhoea Milk

You know which brand I'm talking about. With the arrow pointing down from your belly. You eat milk which fixes your stomach and your insides, you are healthy and slim and it stabilizes your metabolism. Such creation, wow! I can get the same effect with some laxatives. It will be cheaper and with better results. 

Funny image of a laxative dude
Laxatives Laxative Milk

Or I'll eat some pears. They have the same effect on me, plus they are tastier and healthier. But that's just me. 

Get up and Start Moving

I understand you are desperate and want to change. But obviously you are not desperate enough. "I would do anything to lose all this weight, Oh mah Gawh." Have you tried going to the gym? Or running, jumping, swimming, cycling, walking? Yes, even walking could help. Have you tried eating healthier? Not starving to death, just eating food that is good for you? There is tons of information on the internet, that can help you with your problems, but you decide to be lazy and try the "easy" ways. 

Motivate yourself. Stop seeking answers in pills and experimental diets. Not everything works. Before starting something new, read about it. See what people have to say. You'll have only one body for your entire life - respect it.

Check out dGeneralist's Health Section. You might find something useful.